We’re skipping ahead a little in our zombie apocalypse proofing list of dos and don’ts because I feel like this is particularly pertinent.
I don’t know about you, but I’m getting older. Every year in fact. And with that, I’m realizing I’m turning more into my mother and grandmother. Which isn’t a bad thing at all, because they are amazing women. Brilliant and strong and funny and capable; with the added bonus of a bizarre silliness and forgetfullness that renders them an awful lot like Lucy Ricardo (I Love Lucy). So, with that in mind, I feel it’s important to talk about how to zombie proof your mind.
No, not your brain. Your mind – the thoughtful function of that lumpy hunk of meat in your skull that keeps you sharp and capable.
While zombie proofing your home is important, I think that zombie proofing your mind is probably more important. Without it, you have absolutely NO chance of survival. Unless you’re one of those that can stumble through with blind luck and make it out in tact. Either way these five steps will help you prepare your mind for the onslaught of zombies or even just old age.
Welcome to:
Educate yourself.
That’s right. The number one thing to do to zombie proof your mind is going to be to keep learning. Even after the end of days you’re going to want to learn as much as you can. Keep your brain working and doing what it does: Absorbing information. I mean, sure the zombies won’t care that you know a million and one things about a million and one things, but that knowledge will keep you ahead of their game. And, trust me when I say, being ahead of the game when battling the undead who are singularly focused on eating your brain is a very good thing. Plus, zombies don’t read, or eat books, so get thee to a library.
Use all of your senses.
Sure, we use all of our senses everyday, but we’re not really in-tune to them. When you have some down time in between keeping yourself clean, keeping your water clean, and keeping your house – well, a house – find the time to do some sensory activities. Zombies stink, but you probably do too at this point, so figure out a way to heighten your sniffer sensitivity as a second or third line of defense. Blindfold yourself and tune in to the sounds around you. What if the shuffling of zombies is too low for you to register and you become a tasty treat? Power up those senses people. And if you have a sixth sense – well – why the fuck didn’t you tell us a zombie apocalypse was going to happen in the first place? Geesh.
Should you become a zombie, this is a handy diagram for dinner planning.
Move.
Sure, moving is largely a part of keeping your body intact. Which is a good thing, since zombies want to tear it apart. Lovely, right? So – keep moving. As you move you’ll be strengthening your brain as well. Every move you make, every step you take… no… wait… that was turning into a Police song. Either way, get a move on. Keeping your entire body in relatively good health keeps your brain working at optimum levels. Which will help you to continue using your senses AND learning. See how this works?
Sleep.
I’m sure you’re thinking, “Oh, sure, I’ll just take a nap in the middle of the zombie apocalypse, Bella, that seems reasonable.” Well, it fucking is. If you’ve managed to find good shelter and have some friends at hand, work out a sleeping schedule because sleep is important. If you want your brain firing all synapses you need your rest. Besides, what better way to deal with difficult times than to take a nap? I mean, I take a nap after watching a zombie apocalypse movie, and I always feel better afterwards. I doubt you’ll wake up to the world restored, but can you really wake up to anything worse at this point? SO, nighty night; don’t let the zombies bite.
This will save you from zombies, but not bears.
Here’s hoping there’s never a bear uprising. Oy.
Tease your brain.
Did you read tease and think, “oh yeah, sexy times!” Well, stop that. It’s the zombie apocalypse, fucking out your frustrations might seem like a good idea, but really, it’s a waste of precious bodily fluids. No. You need to work your OTHER muscle. Work on puzzles like crosswords, sudokus, and actual jigsaw puzzles (not THAT jigsaw, horror fans, geesh). These puzzles will exercise your brain and give you greater capacity for staying focused and aware; helping you to continue to accomplish the other steps above.
Without your mind in tip-top shape you’ll become like one of the very things you’re running from. Your mind, and your machete, are your greatest assets during the zombie apocalypse. Keep them both sharp, I’d really hate to have to kill you.
Originally written for and posted at The Horror Honeys.
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