When the Head Honey proclaimed that she was unable to watch all of I, Frankenstein due to boredom, I thought, “It can’t be that bad.” Then when she told me that NONE of the Honeys could finish it, I thought, “CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!”
Pro-tip: I should never accept challenges from The Honeys.
The Plot
There was a plot, I’m almost sure of it. Something to do with Frankenstein’s monster killing Frankenstein’s wife; Frankenstein dies; demons hunt Frankenstein’s monster, the soulless chosen one created from man, not God; demons from Hell vs. Gargoyles from Heaven; wandering through the centuries alone; Bill Nighy being generally amazing; science science science, theology theology theology, that chick from Chuck with the teeth, CGIriffic battles that end with the good side winning… you know, the usual in a Frankenstein retelling.
Frankly, I zoned out for about thirty minutes… twice. But I think that’s pretty much all the more you need to know in regards to the plot of this masterpiece.
Oh, no neck bolts though. Shame, that.
How else do you jumpstart the dead?
That’s no Thomas Jane, thank the gargoyles for Bill Nighy
I, Frankenstein was not only entirely boring, it was also almost completely devoid of that thing called acting. There was plenty of narration, though. Aaron Eckhart’s voice echoing out over panning landscape shots explaining what we were seeing. Thank goodness for that or how would we know that he wandered the world for centuries in the cold by watching him wander the world for centuries in the cold?
When the narration stopped, the actors and actresses line delivery seemed as though they were narrating to each other. The stiff delivery could have been the accents. Most of the actors were Australians doing a British accent which ended up sounding like a Brit doing a parody of a British accent. Either way, I felt bad that poor Éowyn survived the battle of Pelennor Fields just to… wait, no, different movie.
Despite the lackluster acting, weird CGI color rendering and some over-used 300 style slow motion battle effects, the most disappointing element of I, Frankenstein, for me, was realizing that Frankenstein’s monster, named Adam by the gargoyle queen, was not, in fact, Thomas Jane. I could probably suffer through anything for Thomas Jane. What I didn’t suffer through was any scene with Bill Nighy. Because if you suffer when Bill Nighy is on screen, it’s because he wants you to suffer.
Ok. Bill Nighy may have wanted you to suffer a little.
There were, of course, plenty of other things to suffer through. At one point I got into an argument with the scientists about harnessing the power of electricity. The claim being that Frankenstein had to be a myth because there was no electricity in the 1790’s. Because surely no one had ever used the power of lightning. *cough*Benjamin Franklin*cough* Other arguments continued, one-sided of course – I’m not insane – about referring to Frankenstein’s monster as Frankenstein. I think the writers may given up on that point and just switched it back and forth to fuck with us actual Frankenstein fans.
And, can we talk for just a moment about how Adam was supposed to be pieced together from multiple dead bodies but he just looked like he was cut apart at a chop shop and sewed back together again by a Home Ec class? Tsk-tsk make up effects crew. Tsk-tsk.
If I could drink, I would be dead by now
I’ll give I, Frankenstein some love, though. I had a hell of a good time playing with by myself while watching it. I developed a drinking game wherein you pound back a beer every time narration is used to move the story forward. But, don’t do this alone. You will get alcohol poisoning and someone should be there to call 911.
You know what’s sustainable? People farming.
On more than one occasion I had a deep-voice off ala 30 Rock with Eckhart’s narration. He usually won, but I got to stretch out my vocal cords. A handful of times I had to make sure I wasn’t, in fact, watching The Matrix. There was some seriously questionable “chosen one” dialogue and an amazing to-be-reanimated people farm that was eerily reminiscent of the The Matrix’s people pods.
Also – Adam’s blades were pretty amazing. I don’t remember when or why he gets them because I was phasing in and out of reality by this point, but they reminded me of the blades in The Raid 2. Which made me want to watch The Raid 2, only I had to finish watching I, Frankenstein. Damn.
Raiting: -2 Neck Bolts
Ultimately, you can skip this one. Unless you’re a glutton for punishment like I am, or you can’t resist a challenge, like I can’t. Watch any of the other movies or TV shows I mentioned here. And, if you’re seriously jonesing for some good gargoyle programming find Disney’s animated Gargoyles; it’s smarter, better animated and better acted.
Originally written for and posted at The Horror Honeys.
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