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Surviving the Ride, Choosing the Right Set of Wheels for the End of Days

All caught up? Excellent – on with the show…


Next, and this is gonna be the eye catcher, you’re gonna want to have a snorkel put on the engine.  Even the best Jeep isn’t going to be able to handle being submerged for too long but if you put a snorkel on it you’ll be able to handle flood waters for a while.  This isn’t going to be cheap but you do not want to have a small lake between you and survival and stall out in the middle of waters filled with radioactive, hyper-intelligent trout.  Those fuckers don’t play fair, let me tell you.

The last customization you’re going to want to slap on this bad boy are exterior supports for holding gas tanks.  What?  You didn’t think that you’d be driving around with your backup supply of fuel in the vehicle with you, did you?  Now that would be one short ass trip wouldn’t it.  The apocalypse is on and you die of gas fumes in the driveway.  Well done ass-hat.


Now that you’ve got your bad motherfucker all tricked out let’s fill it up.  Come on now.  You didn’t think that I’d let you walk away with just a tire to your name, did you?  Don’t you think I care about you?  I mean, I don’t, but it’s really telling about you as a person that you would presume to think I don’t…asshole.

Anyway…PARTS!  You’re gonna want parts.  Short version, you’re going to want to have a whole other engine worth of spare parts at arms reach.  Get you a few large waterproof rubber bins that you can label.  You should be able to fix and change out just about every (and any) thing under that hood that can go wrong.  That also means that you’re gonna want to have a manual on how to fix this thing and the tools to fix it with.  Have all of this shit in well labeled places.  You don’t want to have a breakdown while you’re on the run from a host of zombie Popes and find yourself screaming “WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT ALLEN WRENCH”.  No one is going to tell you where it is because you’re alone…and zombie Popes are for shit when it comes to changing out an alternator.


Let me make this easy on you: You can take thirty minutes and label your shit or you can just toss it all into jacked up cardboard boxes and spentd an hour digging through piles of metal looking for one spare lug nut.  Considering that time is always going to be a factor when you’re trying to survive the end of the world do yourself a favor, grab a sharp-E marker and some duct tape and label yo shit.  Or don’t.  I don’t care.  Be an appetizer.

Now I mentioned earlier that you’re going to want to have large gas tanks for your diesel fuel (and so it’s said, I’m not going to give you the recipe for making that diesel substitute…you got the internet…figure it out ya own DAMN self).  You remember that, don’t you?  Good.  Well, get you one extra and put it in your cab and fill it with clean drinking water.  Make sure to LAY-BELL-IT-WAH-TER-TO-DRINK!  You don’t want to mix the two up and I’m not of a mind to trust you with not to fuck that up.


You’re also gonna want to have something to eat on the road.  Make sure that it’s something that travels well and doesn’t spoil.  Sorry but you’ll have to leave that jug of bull semen at home as it tends to spoil after a few days.  Think canned vegetables, jerky and SPAM!  OH GLORIOUS SPAM!  FOOD OF THE GODS AND GODDESSES!  IT’S LIKE MOTHER’S MILK MADE FLESH AND GOO!

Please note, you should not be this enamored with Spam or there is a good chance that, once you’re on the road and alone for a protracted period of time you WILL consider having sex with it.  This makes it harder to eat as you will most likely develop feelings for it.  This is not safe and I’m pretty sure it says so on the label (check the back under ingredients that include lips and assholes).


Now this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to customizing your ride.  You can add a cowcatcher to the front.  You can equip the interior with hooks, nooks and crannies for further storage.  You can install chicken wire on the windows inside the cab to prevent vehicle compromise when barbarians begin firing wolverines at you from their bamboo cannons.  The upgrades are pretty damn close to limitless.  Let your customizations be based on what’s static (read “Bug Out Bag” for a better understanding of this).

Crazed bovine overlords?  The cowcatcher works.

Vampire cats?  Having handy hooks for crosses and garlic to hang about your jeep, double plus good.

Barbarians with bamboo wolverine cannons?  Chicken wire it is.


The most important thing you’re going to want to put in the Jeep at the end of the day is going to be you and your time.  If you take the time to learn how to change oil, change a tire and know the ins and outs of your Jeep then it will serve you well.  If you don’t then it’s just going to mean more traffic for me.  I’m not too worried about it.  My Jeeps got a motherfucking jetpack.  SUPER UPGRADE!

THE END (of days)