Winter isn’t coming, it’s fucking here and it’s cold! I’ve been lucky, knock on wood, that the weather in Texas hasn’t been so bad that I’ve had to stock up on milk and bread. That being said, my friends and family in Georgia are freezing their asses off and stuck inside during snow days that no one is particularly prepared for. I think, however, when mother nature turns on me I’ll be prepared. Everyone loses their shit when the weather takes charge and puts them on house arrest; shopping for all of the bread and milk and non-perishables they can horde in their 3BR/2BA ranch style american dream home. I personally think this is the wrong idea. I think in order to stay warm and cozy while living through the harsh flurries of winter woes is to get blitzed (see what I did there).


There are all kinds of drinks that will keep you mostly well-nurished and toasty while riding out the impending freezing over of hell and the South. I doubt there will be a run on these items at your local grocer/package store, so you don’t have to be too concerned about not getting your fair share.

Guinness- It’s the beer that drinks like a meal and should be served at room temperature or warmer. Right there, you’ve got yourself a drink to warm the cockles of your heart and feed the rumbly in your tummy.

Scotch- Any scotch will work really but a nice Macallan 12 wouldn’t hurt at all. A nice smooth burn at the back of the throat will help raise your temperature just a bit. Those goosebumps on your arms won’t be from the chill in the air, but from the scotch in your belly.


Hot Toddy– Tea, lemon, honey, and brandy, rum or whiskey. People are out scouring the shelves for supplies that will keep them fed and watered and basically comfortable. What’s more comfy than a hot cup of tea on a cold day? Tea with lemon and honey is even better. Tea with copious amounts of brandy, rum or whiskey is even better. I promise you, the tea and coffee aisle will still be stocked when you make your survival run, so while you’re out why not pick up the other necessaries. You can even bypass the sticky honey and go with some honey rum. In fact, I think this is a much better idea. The less steps needed to keep you warm, the faster you can be on the fast track to a cozy coma.

Chilli Vodka– You might think I said “chili” vodka, but you’d be wrong. This is about staying warm, not staying chili, and I’m pretty sure some 250,000 Scovilles Naga Chilli Vodka will warm you up real good. Real. Good.

Irish Coffee/Hot Chocolate– So, the liquor might not actually be making you warm, but you feel warm right? Why not add a splash (or six) of your favorite irish cream liquor to your coffee to get double the effect. Or actual effect for that matter. If you need some sort of sustenance, go for some hot chocolate. And I mean real hot chocolate. While you’re perusing the grocery store looking for some bread and toilet paper, grab yourself some quality chocolate for melting. This may call for some milk, but you can make it with water***, so stay calm. While you’re at it, don’t forget about the whipped cream and some tiny marshmallows. If you start to freeze to death, you could warm yourself by pulling taffy.


Glogg- This is my last suggestion for you and it’s by far the healthiest, because I care about you. Red wine, port and vodka may not seem likely to keep you warm, but cook this Scandinavian drink up with some figs, raisins, oranges, almonds and spices and you’ll be feeling toasty warm and heart healthy in no time. I’m sure of it. Well, not really, but it’s got fruit in it so how can it be so bad? My favorite thing about this winter warming drink? After you’ve downed the liquid and warmed your belly, you can munch on the drained fruits and nuts until the cows come home (or you pass out from alcohol poisoning).

Here’s to you (and your liver) surviving the icepocalypse. Cheers.


***Editor’s note: Forget that, use milk. No one’s drinking Irish coffee to be healthy.