I’m back, bitches. That’s right, Bella Blitz has coaxed me out of my bunker long enough to drop some more knowledge on you, the desperate masses, and fill your maggot holes with tools, tips and tricks to make it through the coming end of days.
But that Bella…she’s a tricksy lil taskmistress. She says to me, “Darwin, you dashing, handsome so and so, I want you to give our readers just one tool that’s a must for surviving it all”.
So I says, “You want one little ole tool from my fun sack that’s going to help save the day?! Just one?! Don’t you realize that survival is about collecting all the TOOLS to make it through the apocalypse, not all the TOOL?! You’re going to get the sheep killed!”
But I love a challenge and the prospect of thinning the herd warms that space under my ribs where I used to keep a human heart. (Note: That space is now filled with a can of spam, fishing twine and your mom’s socks.)
With all that in mind, here’s the one thing you’re going to need. Ready? I DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE READY OR NOT, YOU GUMMY ASS BOILS! IT WAS RHETORICAL!
You need a towel.
I know the readers of the glorious NP and I know a stunning majority of them are now feverishly masturbating as they grope their commemorative pewter Arthur Dent figurine. Yes, Douglas Adams was right. Always know where your towel is.
In my world, if a tool only has one use then it’s not something that you want to keep around. For more truth nuggets, you can check out my NP pieces on bug out bags and “surviving the ride”. If you haven’t read them stop reading this and go to do it now. NOW, YOU MACKEREL FACED ME-MONKIES!
Now, is a towel listed in that bag and in that ride? Yes. Yes it was.
“Why’s that, Darwin?”
Goddamn I’m gonna love watching the mutant armadillo-okapi hybrids eat your eyes. NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN!
One of the first things I told you to put in your bug out bag was immaterial. That thing I’m talking about is common sense. If you don’t have that then how the fuck did you manage to get here today? For that matter, how have you not managed to be eaten by deer by this point? A TOWEL IS COMMON FUCKING SENSE, FUTURE DEAD PERSON!
Towels have more uses than the skin you’re wearing (for the time being that is). There’s the simplest use and that’s what it was designed for. Drying shit off. If you’ve been sweating because you’ve been running, hypothetically from a host of vampire trout with the legs of greyhounds sewn onto them, you’re going to need to dry off afterwards. Sweating is the enemy in survival situations…well, that is until your body stops sweating. Then you’re in a whole other world of trouble.
Next, it can be used in a bind for medical purposes. Cutting a thin strip off of it and now you have a tourniquet, a lash for a brace if you have a broken limb or something to help stop the bleeding from that gaping wound you have about your neck. What? That’s your face? Oh, geez, I’m sorry. I thought you have been in some sort of industrial accident. Damn but you’re ugly.
You can cover your face with it! Not just because you’re ugly but a way of getting relief from the heat and sun. If you’re stuck on a deserted island or, ya know, whatever you’re stranded fetish might be, you can use it to give yourself some relief from being exposed to the elements. It’s not going to do shit to stop rain but you’d be surprised how sapping the sun’s rays can be when it’s beating down on you for eighteen hours as you lean against your one palm tree.
This next one can be also tucked neatly next to common sense. It can be a pillow. The apocalypse isn’t for those who desperately need comfort. Point of fact, them that thrive on discomfort stand a better chance because they’re used to the rough stuff. Much like your mom. That being said, having something as simple as a balled up towel to rest your head on can have a great boost on your morale. Sleeping with your head on a rock means you’re probably not sleeping too soundly. Putting that towel under your head means you’re probably getting better sleep and will be better rested to deal with the rise of the murderous iPhones.
My favorite use for the towel, however, is for offense. It doesn’t matter if it’s the sting of a tight rat-tail style whip, the tasty embrace of lemonade waterboarding or just simply choking a bitch out with it wrapped around their neck, a towel is a lot more weapon than most of you can handle and certainly more than you would imagine. You’re not taking on a horde of orcs crossbred with unicorns but by GOD you can kill that son of a bitch who’s been stealing all of your SPAM!
YOU DIDN’T THINK I NOTICED DID YOU DOUG?! I SAW YOU WITH THAT SPAM SMEARED SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND I’M COMING FOR YOU!
So ends the lesson. Now get out there and get yourself a good, high quality, durable towel.
Maybe I’ll see you around because of it…but I sure as shit hope not. Mostly because you’re ugly…and I don’t share well…especially when it comes to my Spam.