It’s cold. It’s bad out there. Here in the South, we occassionally have snow, even blizzards. Two years ago, we turned Atlanta in Hothlanta, and there was a man ice skating on the road outside my office. Not good, but that is nothing compared to what the one and true pending Icepocalypse.

Our dear own Bella Blitz found these shoes, and was crowing about her “Strap on shoes! Strap on shoes!” It was a pretty giggly time for us all at NP HQ. Regardless, she was totally on to something. They’re more often called ice cleats, or traction cleats, which is really a shame (I feel the footwear industry is really missing some good branding here). Short of ballet flats or flip-flops, you can pretty much slide in your shoe, hopefully boot, and you are good to go with all the friction you need to not just dump yourself on your ass every five feet. They’re not going to make you more graceful, but if you fall, it’s on you, not the shoes.

Next, the previously hinted at ice skates. They have some pretty hard drawbacks, like not being able to run worth a damn. On ice, you’re doing great, and you CAN walk. Don’t forget about the blade guards that you’d ordinarily use to protect your edges, or at least not slash yourself as you meander to the rink. So, mobility is fair, comfort’s not terrible (always get your skates a size small), and style…like we care about style at this point.

Snowshoes: just do it. These bad boys are made to distribute your weight for those long hikes. And you know what, there’s going to be a lot of them. An awful, terrible lot of them. They’re light, easy to carry, it’s a supreme thing to have at your disposable. Get real ones. A pair of tennis rackets is not the same, because you’re not built like Bugs Bunny.

Sneakers and shoes: we all have them, and they’re not great. There are a few things you can do, waterproof, protect, but you’re not going to do that beforehand, you lazy bugger, are you? So go the last minute route: layers of newspaper inside, and duct tape outside. And always take those things off whenever you get a chance.

Fancy wear. Well ladies, those high heels are really only good if you freeze the tips into a point and get all stabby. You’re not going far with ruined arches. Tell the guys in KISS to ease up as well, it’s not working. Crocs? Just die now.

Flip-flops. You’d think this would be a terrible, horrible, no good idea. And it is, but it’s always a great one. Hmmm, don’t believe me? Attitude is everything. It’s 15°F outside, there’s snow, ice, hail, whole freezers full of frozen brussel sprouts are raining from the heavens. There’s a group of people standing around a fire, and it’s crowded. Then you strut out in sandals. There’s NOBODY who’s going to mess with the crazy guy with nearly bare feet. Be bold, go hard. If nothing else, your toes can eventually be served as hors d’oeuvres. Kick some ass while you can.