I can sum this up in one word: Fucking Crom.
Yeah, I know. “But, Bella, that’s two words!” Shut the fuck up. It’s Crom and if you’re not praying to him, you better be fucking sacrificing to him your blood and steel.
See, this isn’t about my unhealthy love affair with Arnie (yes I have one). It isn’t even about how seeing Jason Momoa at Dragon*Con ruined my experience meeting Jewel Staite – which is a whole other story shared over at Memoirs of a Geeksha: ‘How Jason Momoa ruined my meeting with Jewel State (or how my husband hates me)‘. It’s about CROM! Come on people. No one really expected the remake to be good (did you?). Entertaining, fine, I’ll give you that … entertaining in that you can make up your own dialogue and get by with glancing up once or twice to glimpse some sweat on Conan’s rippled body between tweets (good enough for me) – but without Crom, it was not a Conan movie.
Crom is canon, and even if you don’t know who or what exactly Crom is (because he’s like Cthulhu and you’ll go mad if you speak his name), you do know the “I have never prayed to you before” speech that good ol’ Schwarzenegger bleats out through his Austrian accent.
If you need another reason, how about: Knowing What is Best in Life? SHIT … that didn’t even get mentioned in the remake. And, in case you don’t know, what IS best in life – THIS: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.
Also, James Earl Jones turns into a snake. Did you feel that? Yeah, your nerdy bits just tingled a little in anticipation of sharing this information with your newly created geeklings. Take this journey with me one more time: JAMES EARL JONES TURNS INTO A FUCKING SNAKE!
I leave you with this: breed geeks, so they can pray to Crom in their own tongue when geekless gods won’t hear them.
And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!
4 Fucks were given in the making of this article.