Wouldn’t things be easier if we were all turtles? Then the title of this could be You’re a House and a Fortress. But alas, we are not turtles. We do not come built into our own little habitat; a shell of protection from the undead. Which is a damn shame if you ask me. Maybe we need a genetic apocalypse – create a half turtle/half human hybrid that can tuck away and hide within themselves BEFORE the living dead come to life?
But, I digress.
In the greater scheme of things, when the undead rise from their resting places, you will surely want to make sure your resting place is safe, secure, and ready to take a beating (and biting). While having some handy campy and survival tricks up your sleeves will surely come in hand, living out your undead-killing days in a tent may prove, well, short-lived. HA!
With that in mind, I welcome you to:
Knock, knock…
Your best defense starts at your doors. If you could kick it in, rest assured a zombie or two can do the same. Granted, they probably aren’t kicking, but they are gathering friends to help them bump, paw, and push against the door – and it will eventually give. Make sure you have steel doors. ALL of them. Steel doors in every room will aid in keeping you safe should one fail. Also – they are less likely to give way under the weight of the undead and their buddies. For extra protection, add some bar locks. I’m a fan of a bar at the top, middle, and bottom. Just to be extra safezies.
This barred window resign could only be made better with more spikes. EVERYWHERE.
How much is that zombie in the window…
I could have started with windows, since they are the weakest points in your home, but most “people” aren’t coming in through your windows unless you are perpetually reenactingClarissa Explains It All – and that’s just weird. Anyway. Windows. Bar those bitches up. Seriously. The bars will help keep zombies far enough away from the windows to do much damage. For an added bit of security install a tempered, safety glass, complete with wire mesh. Safety glass doesn’t shatter like typical glass, and that mesh will have an unpleasing effect on the undead flesh of your unwanted visitors should they make it through. Also, invest in blackout curtains. If you can’t see them, they can’t see you, right? If all of this is unlikely, cover it up. Wood wood and more wood. You might start to look like the walking dead from lack of sun, but hey, at least you aren’t dinner.
Movin’ on up…
That’s right. If you have the opportunity to move HIGHER up in the food chain, and the living quarters, do it – and then, dismantle any convenient ways of accessing you. The higher up you are in a house or apartment, the harder it will be for the shambling undead to shamble upwards. They are kinda like Dalek’s in that regard, I suppose; unable to navigate staircases and elevators, because 1. they are dead and presumably don’t press buttons, and 2. shamblers don’t step – they shamble. Duh.
Thank you, US Department of Agriculture.
Maybe those Extreme Coupon people are on to something…
Do it like the squirrels do it…
I’m not talking about sex here, folks. Although, let’s be honest, I could be. Perverts. I’m talking about stock piling food. Pick the most secure room in your house and use it to store your supplies. Why aren’t you using it to store yourselves? Because – your food can’t protect itself. And, if it can, you have bigger problems than the undead hungry for your brains. Non-perishable items, batteries, and ALL OF THE WATER YOU CAN GET YOUR HANDS ON will be of the utmost importance for you at this time. Hoard it all. Hoard it safely.
It is my very favorite gun…
I don’t, in anyway, consider a gun to be a good zombie survival weapon (not everyone can shoot, or shoot well, and bullets run out), I just wanted to use that line. But here’s the fun stuff, if you’ve managed to secure your home and lock down your supplies, now you get to have your cake and eat it too. Rummage through your tools and create a weapon box for each room. Probably best kept next to each door or window. Make good use of hammers, axes, machetes, and other utility tools to stop and chop those pesky zombies. If you’re particularly concerned about the closing gap between your living skin and the undead’s chompers, might I suggest finding and keeping a large tactical shield on hand. Besides, those are fun to have just because.
Shhhh, the idea is NOT to have to hunt zombies.
Be vewwy, vewwy quiet…
At the end of the day, no matter what you manage to do, or not do, to create a safe haven for you and yours, you’ll want to keep a vewwy low profile. Zombies are the undead. They are brain dead. They do not think, they react. Instinct is all they have to go on, and if they have nothing to react to, and no instinct to act on, then you’ll be known as a survivor for a much longer time. Don’t attract attention to your beating heart – or brain – by being loud, being bright, or being accessible. Easy enough, right? Right!
BONUS: Lift the bridge…
This is my own personal favorite addition to making, and keeping, your home zombie-proofed. A moat. Take that journey with me! Dig your surviving asses a trench as wide as you can and as deep as you can around the perimeter of your new fortress – far enough away that it won’t effect the foundation of your house, of course. Do a little rain dance and let the moat fill up naturally. If there’s not rain, that’s okay, you have one hell of a death ditch. If you want to be extra secure, put up a fence on the outside of that moat. Then, sit in your rooftop zombie scoping chair and take it all in. Who run Bartertown? YOU DO!
With your house in order survival isn’t assured, but it’s definitely a bit more likely. And, remember, try not to keep up with Jones’ – they turned into zombies weeks ago.
Originally written for and posted at The Horror Honeys.
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