If you’re anything like me, and you probably are, you’re aware of the possibility of 1. shark attacks and 2. a zombie apocalypse.
I’m going to venture a guess here and say that preparing for shark attacks is relatively easy: Don’t go in the water. Preparation complete, please carry on with your lives and limbs. In the event of a sharknado, just light yourself on fire because all hope is lost.
That escalated quickly, I’m sorry. Moving right along…
Preparing for a zombie apocalypse will take you more than one step, but they are relatively simple steps to take. This introduction is just to aid in the survival of an initial – or potential – zombie outbreak. The undead overlords haven’t yet taken over, so your main goal here is to maintain living status, not spread disaster, and ready yourself for future levels of preparedness.
Welcome to Zombie Proofing 101: Cleanliness is Close to Zombielessness
Step 1: If it ain’t your mess, don’t play in it
If you need a body condom, I won’t judge you. Well, I’ll judge you a little bit.
Seriously, folks. If you didn’t sweat, pee, poop, vomit or bleed where there happens to be sweat, pee, poop, vomit or blood – STAY. AWAY. FROM. IT. Shit (no pun intended, but hysterical) spreads this way because people, and animals, are filthy. Get yourself some “Employees must wash hands…” signs and place them all around your habitat. Remind yourself not to touch the ick that isn’t yours.
Step 2: Clean yourself OFTEN
Stock up on some serious personal cleaning supplies. I’m talking disinfecting soaps, wipes, hand-sanitizers and anything else that is safe for your skin. If you touch something, wipe your hands. If you touch someone, wipe your hands, then make them wipe their hands. This step and step #1 go hand in hand. Usually literally. Ewwww.
Step 3: Assume its contagious
Medical masks may come in handy. These look like maxi pads though. Masky Pads?
I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to get close enough to a zombie – or any dead thing for that matter – to know if a bite, if it’s blood, if it a fucking sneeze in my general direction is going to carry a contagion. I’m just going to go ahead and assume that it’s all contagious and I’m going to dress and act accordingly. Wear gloves. Wear a face mask. Keep your distance. Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times.
Step 4: Clean yourself OFTEN
See step 2. It’s the same step. Because it’s important.
Step 5: Plan the alphabet
If planning the alphabet fails, alphabet soup is a filling, non-perishable way to say your last goodbyes.
I’m not talking about A: Acid, B: Bandaids, C: Coffee (although coffee may be very important in your survival scheme). I’m talking about planning plans. Don’t just stop with a plan A. Make sure you have a plan B and C and D. Hell, have all the way to a Plan Z. It’s just good… planning. Who knows when or why the undead will be rising up to eat your brains or turn you into one of them, or even to turn you into something else. Just make sure your bases are covered with backup plan after backup plan. I promise, you’ll need them.
Step 6: Clean yourself OFTEN
See step 2 and 4. It’s the same step. Because it’s important. Also, I don’t trust that zombies aren’t just a manifestation of the grosser aspects of human nature. Remember that time you sneezed and then shook that dudes hand. *shudder*
Step 7: More is more is better cleaning
Seriously. Clean that shit. Pun completely intended.
Are you getting tired of the cleaning steps yet? Too fucking bad. This one is about keeping your area clean. If people touch things without being clean and without knowing how the zombification will spread it’s best to just clean all the things. Clean all the things, with all of the things. If bleaching down your house doesn’t seem like something you’re interested in – I won’t miss you when you’re gone. When you think you’ve cleaned it enough, clean it again. Just to be sure.
Step 8: Clean yourself OFTEN
See step 2, 4 and 6. It’s the same step. Because it’s important. Another thing to note: you don’t know how often the people you are interacting with is cleaning themselves. Maybe you weren’t the sneezer in that last example, maybe you were the handshaker. *double shudder*
Step 9: Learn the basics
Do this, unless you have a flamethrower. Then, flame throw EVERYTHING.
This step may seem like common sense, but really, can you tend a garden? Can you keep chickens alive? Can you make a fire without a match, lighter, or lighter fluid? If not, get yourself a luddite handbook and learn how to live off the land. I’m not talking about churning your own butter, although if you go that route, let me know. I’m talking about first aid, gardening, cartography (maps, people!), light construction. These are the tools and skills you’ll need to keep going after everyone else has gone and come back again.
Step 10: Clean yourself OFTEN
Have I made myself clear?
Step 11: Do you have your zombie apocalypse buddy?
Get yourself call signs too. But don’t pick Goose. Just sayin’.
Find someone else equally as paranoid about the onslaught of the living dead as you. Find them and hold on to them. You’ll want a friend in these trying times to have your back, or your head – should you start to turn brain-hungry. Surviving this apocalypse alone is probably not going to be possible. Make a friend. Make a pact. Shake on it. After step 10.
These simple 11 steps will help you be a little more prepared should a zombie rise from a grave, escape from a government facility, or meander out of a hospital ward. These are the first steps for stability and readiness in case of an impending zombie apocalypse. At the very least, you will not be the reason for furthering the spread of zombies everywhere.
Originally written for and posted at The Horror Honeys.
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