Listen up Blitzes: Valentines is here and I don’t give a good gods damned fuck. My girly heart was replaced long ago with a lump of coal I got for Christmas one year. The occasional “awwww” over a puppy or “ooooh” over some pretty flowers might slip by, but I assure you, that coal isn’t turning into a diamond any time soon. And, it sure as shit isn’t turning into an actual bleeding heart.
That being said, I’m all for celebrating Valenblitz Berzerketine. Oh yeah, I totally created my own holiday in geeky celebration of love for myself. I highly recommend all of you lovelies do the same. Why not have a day where you celebrate self nerd love? I don’t need a guy/girl to validate who I am, and I don’t want said guy/girl to buy me a rose and a sentimental card. What I do want is some serious geek swag (flowers and chocolate not withstanding) that will make my black heart swoon, and I’m not above getting it for myself.
Here’s my Valenblitz Berzerketine geek-love-swag wish list.
Cold Cold Heart Ice Mold
Because, obviously. I can’t use my actual heart to cool off my drinks, coal is a diuretic and once I get some sweet scotch in my system, I don’t want to piss it away too quickly.
Anatomical Heart Necklace
This way I can pretend to have a bleeding heart. I mean, I don’t expect my heart to grow three sizes too big any time soon, so why not have a cold, metal, three sizes too small heart pressed against my chest to remind me of what I’m missing?
I [Heart Heart] Doctor Who TShirt
Two hearts is better than one, right? And, I sure do love me some Doctor Who. Probably two hearts worth. This shirt will prove the existence of at least one heart somewhere in the depths of my chest. Brilliant!
Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Hand Sanitizer
It’s Valenblitz Berzerketine you can bet your pretty ass I’ll be touching my genitals. These will come in handy for when I have to leave the house and make nice with the breeders out celebrating their love for each other. I’ll latch it onto my belt loop; that should keep everyone at a safe distance while I celebrate “loving” myself day.
Star Wars Han and Leia Bathroom Hand Towels
Every morning I wake up and look in the mirror and say to myself, “I love you.” My reflection looks back, slightly amused and says, “I know.” The only thing that could make these hand towels better is if it were my profile on each towel. Oh shit. Merchandise idea!
50 Cups of Coffee Tub o’ Caffeinated Candy
I won’t lie, the lump of coal where my heart used to be is less likely to get all pittery-pattery without the stimulation of copious amounts of caffeine. This tub o’ caffeinated candy sure would hit the spot(s). The spots being my sweet tooth, my caffeine arm and my pittery-pattery (clanky) coal heart.
Unicorn vs. Dragon Socks
Honestly, if I’m not going to be sharing my bed with someone the night of Valenblitz Berzerketine I might as well find a way to keep myself warm. I think these socks will do just fine. I mean, look at them. Plus the nightmares from imagining my feet attacking each other in bloody stumps would be sure to keep me in night sweats.
Happy Valenblitz Berzerketine, self. I love you.