What is a “But Out” Bag?
Bug Out Bag: A prepared bag that one grabs filled with items of the utmost necessity for an emergency evacuation during an apocalyptic situation. The shit that you will, without question, need to survive.
It’s the end of the road, my fellow doomed bipeds. Of the article! Jesus…relax. I could see the fear and trepidation in your eyes. No, it’s not really the end of world (yet). This is just the end of my rambling article on putting together a bug out bag. I hope you’ve enjoyed it and that it will be helpful when all that you love begins to crumble around you and you’ve been left with no other options but to drown your loved ones to save them the pain of a future too hellish to consider before you selfishly run out the door on your own free to surf the highs and lows of nothingness.
That was vivid, wasn’t it children?
As a closing note I wanted to thank the great folk here at the Nerdery Public for all that they’ve done. They’re a joy to work with. Keep your eyes peeled. There’ll be more fun coming soon. So, with that…here are the last few things to go in your bug out bag. Cheers.
Are you a diabetic? Oh you are. Good. Don’t bother packing your insulin. You’ll probably just outgrow that whole blood sugar thing. Do you know what a coma feels like? Don’t worry…you will. Now that I’ve got that out of the way: If you have a condition, pack yo meds. After that’s done, rummage through the medicine chest. If it looks like it could be of use (allergy medicine, leftover antibiotics, painkillers, so on), pull the label off of it and put it in one of those zipper locking bags. Try to get them all wrapped down tight and condensed so that you’re not wasting room. If you’ve got one of those little (and I mean LITTLE) home medical kits see how well you can condense it and bring it along. That shit is going to come in handy. You don’t want to get a scratch on your ankle that turns into an infection that turns into a septic system that turns into weasels fucking your empty eye sockets.
You’re not going to be able to carry a kitchen with you. That’s it. You’re going to have to scavenge when you’re on the move but you can carry small stuff with you while you’re running out the door. Look for trail foods that have been vacuum-sealed. It’s not just that they’re going to last longer. They’re also going to take up less room and be lighter than a can of beans. Yeah, it probably tastes like dried, pounded rubber chicken (WHACKA WHACKA WHACKA) but it’s designed to travel rough and give you a lot of what your body needs. For actual proteins you can go the jerky route or, when in doubt, Spam. Yes I know that this flies in the face of the room and weight thing but Spam lasts like forever. Like, longer than Twinkies.
Your cell phone
I KNOW I TOLD YOU NOT TO RELY ON IT! Fuck…just chill and hear me out. Most likely it’s dead (or in your large intestine) but having this might be a way to keep yourself busy and on a schedule. Check it once a day. Yeah bring the charger but don’t look to find a place to hookup. End of days, remember? Worst comes to worst you can cannibalize the whole thing for parts. And don’t start playing Angry Words or Birds With Friends or whatever it is you fucking kids are doing nowadays. This is the end of days. The need to survive should be much higher than updating your status. (“Totally bummed about the world being over. #MissingMobWives”)
Something to read
You’re going to want to have something that you can read or look at or keep you generally entertained. You don’t want to get to the point where the soul crushing reality of the situation overwhelms you and you just shit yourself and collapse. A book, even if read a hundred times, takes you to another time and place. It might even give you hope. Might I recommend FUBAR volume II: Empire of the Rising Dead? On sale wherever you find fine graphic novels about World War II zombies in the South Pacific. God I’m such a whore.
– Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, that goes into your bug out bag needs to have multiple uses. So when gathering your materials always ask “what else can this be used for”. I’m not just talking about the stuff in your bag. I’m talking about the shirt on your back and the stuff in your pockets. Shit, even a TaunTaun works both as a trusted steed and a makeshift hut when push comes to shove. (Insert joke about smelling bad on the outside here.)
– I’m not sure if it was Sophocles or “Stone Cold” Steve Austin who said “D.T.A. Don’t Trust Anyone”. (Truthfully I think it was Sophocles but that’s beside the point.) If you’re bugging out alone then you need to consider yourself capital A – ALONE. Don’t trust that kindly gentleman with the ski mask and the massive butcher knife (especially if you’ve recently had sex, done drugs or if you’re a comely lass with large breasts and the inability to keep your clothes on). Don’t accept candy from strangers who say things like “do you know what rohypnol tastes like” or “does this smell like ether” while they’re measuring you by an oven. And don’t accept rides from N-E-1! That is unless you feel like ending up like Rose McGowan in “Grindhouse”. Never seen it? It’s okay. It’s kind of a masturbatory tool for people who want to see bad stuff happen to McGowan. Rose gets beaten to death by the interior of a car…Rose gets her leg cut off below the knee…Rose attempts to deliver dialog. Just painful all the way around. Point is: walk; don’t ride.
– Keep your eyes open and know what’s going on. If you’re a praying person (if not, might I offer you a spot in a Cthulhu cult…if you’re not sure jump over to WWCD and ask some questions) then pray that it’s not a NINJA APOCALYPSE! Sneaky fuckers just pop outta nowhere and stuff. Barring a ninja end of days then you should be able to sort out a lot by keeping all of your senses on point. So pull the iPod buds outcha ears, stop watching porn on your cell phone (sure you say you were just looking up directions but we all know you’re watching midget amputees scrumping like chipmunks geeked up on crystal meth and Gobstoppers) and SEE THE WORLD AROUND YOU! It’s the difference between walking into a pine box and not.
– If you’re really interested in staying a ive then put down the Ho-Ho’s and get you a salad. I’m not saying you need to hit the gym seven days a week and eat nothing but egg whites but you might want to be able to find your toes when push comes to shove. I’m just sayin’. Or don’t…you stay fat and slow and that’s just one more person I can throw under the bus to keep myself safe. Not that I’d sacrifice you in a heartbeat to save my own skin. Actually, I would.
And with that, good luck. Use your brain and don’t get yourself killed. It’s the end of the word. Don’t be a gazelle.