What is a “But Out” Bag?
Bug Out Bag: A prepared bag that one grabs filled with items of the utmost necessity for an emergency evacuation during an apocalyptic situation. The shit that you will, without question, need to survive.
Welcome back, my doomed readers, to Part II of building a bug out bag. BUT before we get started, let’s talk about the bag itself. Yeah, I probably should have handled this first but I wanted to open with a fucking Ben Affleck quote. You got a problem with that? “Well…” I don’t care. Let’s get going.
Ideally, you want a backpack. You want a sturdy backpack. You want a sturdy, waterproof backpack. Not water resistant. Not water repelling. WaterPROOF! You don’t want yo’ shit gettin’ soggy, do you? “Well…” Still don’t care.
Next, look for a backpack that’s designed to disperse the weight evenly across your body. It should have straps for the chest and the lower torso. Why do you want this? “Well…” SHUT THE FUCK UP! Rhetorical question, Strawberry Shortcake.
You want all that weight distributed evenly across your body because you’ll be carrying all of this shit with you 24/7…if there’s a 24/7 left at that point. If the weight of the bag is pushing you this way and that way then it’ll throw off how you walk and carry yourself. This opens you up to hurting yourself and then where are you bugging out to? Well? Where are you bugging out to? Come on I asked a question. “Well…” VALHALLA THAT’S WHERE!
Finally, you want to look for pockets that close up securely. What good is all of the stuff you’re putting in the bag if it keeps falling out and spilling all over the place? No good at all. (By the way, points for not trying to interrupt me again. I really do love you. Cuddle? No no…later.) Also, secured pockets means you know where your shit is and when and if you’re running low and need to scavenge for more.
With that in mind, let’s see what else we’re putting in our sack this time around.
Thermos (with cup top)
For, you know, water and soup and the blood of virgins. It should be big enough to carry a couple days worth of water (or virgin blood…just sayin’) but not so big that it’s unwieldy or slows you down. I’d look for a lightweight aluminum one that has a metal cup on top. That cup can come in handy when making the aforementioned solar water still. Plus, if the cup has a ring on it for drinking, it totally looks like a big ole sci-fi super future space gun! PCHEW! PCHEW! PCHEW! I’m shooting lasers.
At least two means of starting fire. A couple of ideal means of doing so are:
Don’t trust Frankenstein’s monster. Fire not “bad”…fire “good”. Fire very, very good.
Two 9 volt batteries (still in the package) and three pieces of steel wool (SOS pads if you have to)
A piece of flint and steel (a small pocket knife should work fine but shoot for something Swiss Army-esque)
Oh yeah, a lighter
All attempts to successfully carry napalm in Tupperware have met with failure to date. Should I figure it out before I run out of toddlers to experiment with I shall do a follow up.
A good rule of thumb is that it should be a little bit wider and longer than you at your full wingspan. Welcome to the apocalypse. This large blue tarp can be everything from a makeshift tent, a poncho, a hammock or just a convenient way to dispose of a body of a certain nosy person who keeps trying to steal your Spam. No no no…just kidding. It’s the end of the world. You can just leave that body any ole where. As I was saying. It has many uses. You’re going to want to make sure that you can get it folded tightly as this is going to take up a good deal of room in your pack. Pack it tight and hard every time. (Please insert “that’s what she said” joke here. Thank you.)
Three lengths of cordage
You want to have enough that if you need to turn that tarp into a hammock or tie shit down you’ve got it on hand. Look for something that falls between light and durable. Best case scenario you’d want high test repelling line but you probably aren’t going to find that at your local hardware shop. Look for a high test synthetic at the hardware store. You need to make sure it’s light and you can store three nine foot lengths in your bag. This will cover just about anything you might need from lowering yourself down from a second or third story window to tying up that nun you’re planning on cannibalizing later on. Hey man, desperate times. Don’t judge me.
Your bag is well on its way. Tune in again soon, chickadees, as crazy Uncle Darwin’s gonna be layin’ some mo’ skreet knowledge on you soon about how to survive the blissful end of it all. BUT FIRST…
Darwin Law’s Preparation Tips:
Don’t discount all of those “survivalist” TV shows. Yeah, some of them “recreate” the situations in the parking lots of the Double Tree that they were staying at but still they have good points to make.
Don’t pay attention to a lot of the crap they say because it can be pretty specific for certain locations and situations. “Oh lucky me! I now know that I can eat this specific type of sea urchin scrotum on this island in the South Pacific! I’m so lucky to know this!”
If you live in Brooklyn, New York I’m pretty sure you’re not going to get a ton out of the “stranded on a desert island” scenario most of them run BUT the basics of how to get fresh water, decontaminate it and, yeah, how to skin something so you can eat it, these come in handy in any environment.
As a side note, I absolutely love the show “Dual Survival”. Those two have the most fucked up, co-dependant relationship since Frodo and Samwise. Me thinks they’ve “huddled for warmth” on more occasions than one.
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