What is a “But Out” Bag?
Bug Out Bag: A prepared bag that one grabs filled with items of the utmost necessity for an emergency evacuation during an apocalyptic situation.  The shit that you will, without question, need to survive.

PART I

I really, REALLY, hate to open anything I write with a reference to anything involving Ben Affleck but…fuck…I guess I gotta.

General Copperfield (Clifton Powell): The first thing we’d like to know is what we’re dealing with.  Biological, chemical or other.
Sheriff Hammond (Ben Affleck): Well, I’m leaning towards “other”.

Yeah, not the best way to start the “bug out” kit discussion but trust me it makes sense.  It asks the big question: What are you bugging out for?  Is it biological, chemical (and to this we can also add nuclear), environmental or “other”?  The situation you’re looking to bug out from will play heavily into what your kit has in it and will require.  It’s with this in mind that we start off with the first four things that need to go into your bag.  Well, the first four immaterial things that need to go into your bag.

• What’s Static
• One of the first things you want to think about is what’s static about the situation.  If your apocalyptic situation is a Noah styled flood you have to think about water proof materials and ways of purifying drinking water.  If it’s a biological contamination then you want to bring items to the table that will keep you from contracting whatever is going on and disinfecting sustenance.  If it’s zombies…you’re gonna wanna pack something blunt…with corners.
• Common Sense
• You need as much of this in your bag as you can carry.  For example: If you weigh 105 pounds, have zero training and have creepy, lil baby hands then you do NOT need to buy and pack a .50 caliber Desert Eagle.  You’d be better served to use that monster gun as a bludgeon to beat yourself to death and save yourself the discomfort of trying to survive whatever nightmare you’re facing.  The same goes for impact weapons like nunchucks, throwing axes and other weird weapons.  You’re just going to knock yourself out or slice your fucking face off.  Knock that shit off and get you a sawed off pool cue or a baseball bat (aluminum is preferable).  Just use your head.  This ain’t a movie or a video game!  Yeah, I’m gonna make a ton of references to both but that’s not the point.  Don’t be an idiot, okay?
• Custom Fit To You
• There’s a bit of common sense spill over here.  Lemme give you a ferinstance.  “Gee, I’ve got space in my bug out bag for my inhaler or these wicked cool badass ninja throwing stars.  Now, I’ve got asthma and can’t hit the broad side of a barn with these wicked cool badass ninja throwing stars BUT…”  No.  No.  Let me put that another way.  HELL FUCKING NO!  If you need medications or a special diet or have asthma or allergies then that shit is a fucking priority.  You’re never going to leave behind something as important as your nitro pills if you have a heart condition in place of what?  What do you have there?  THE LATEST ISSUE OF REDBOOK!?!?!  You know what, close this page out and go away.  I’m tired of trying to help you.  You’re just going out of your way to piss me off you piggly-lil-sumbitch
• Pockets
• No matter what your bag looks like having a shit ton of pockets will always come in handy.  The more pockets you have, the more you can carry.  When I’m shopping for a good “bug out” bag I’m looking for something that has plenty of pockets and plenty of space.  Why is this an “immaterial”?  Well…pockets are empty and filled with nothing but space.  So there’s no matter inside of them.  They lack materials and are, um, immaterial.  Fuck it.  Bad joke.  You know what I’m getting at, god damn it!  Anyway…let’s fill them pockets.

You get the gist of what’s going on?  DO YOU MAGGOT!?  I hope so.  Now, without further ado (or is adieu…I always get those wrong), let’s get into the first four items that you need to have in your bag.  Enjoy.

• Tin or aluminum foil
• This stuff can be gold.  Don’t cheap out and get the discount stuff.  In fact, if you can find the caterer grade foil, even better.  What can you do with it?  HO HO!!!  What CAN’T you do with it?  It can be a reflective surface for signaling for help.  You can use it to wrap food items.  You can use it to cook with.  You can turn it into a pretty hat so that the government can’t hear your thoughts and send men in black helicopters to track your every move.  Did I mention you can cook with it?  Okay just shut up and trust me here.  The shit’s gonna come in handy.
• Plastic wrap
• Again, don’t cheap out and get the cheap shit.  Go high end and it’s a lifesaver.  Everything from making a solar water still (it’ll take a while but it works) to wrapping a sucking chest wound.  There are more uses for plastic wrap than I can even get into here.  OH, you can use it like Kevin did in “Home Alone” and trick stupid burglars!  For that alone it’s worth the investment.  If anything you can be all like “Yeah, you remember that time in that movie where the kid did that thing” and then your teddy bear won’t say anything because he’s pouting over the fact that the world is ending.  Whatever.  He’s a dick anyways.
• Zip style sandwich bags
• You want to get the name brand and the high end stuff.  These are going to be used to keep shit dry and protect what you’ve got from the elements.  Even though your bug out bag SHOULD be waterproof, shit has been known to fail and if it does, then what?  You can’t exactly bring the bag back to Bass Pro Shop and ask for a refund.  MUFUKER!  It’s the UH-PAC-OOOO-LIPS!  Ain’t no bringing yo broke ass bag back to Sharper Image and complaining to the manager.  He’s dead and his corpse is being raped by mutated Basset hounds that fiend for human flesh!  Get you some zippity up baggies and hedge yo bets with what’s in your bag.
• Light
• Shoot for a flashlight but it needs to be small and lightweight.  Look for an LED light that pops.  You don’t need to get the massive Maglite that comes with five D-Cell batteries unless you’re planning on using it as a bludgeon and a walking stick as well.  Now that big ole Maglite can come in handy for caving the skulls of our new alien overlords (should they have skulls) but when you have to carry it for day after day it’s going to start to lose its appeal.  A small LED flashlight designed to go under a firearm is going to give you a good amount of light and weigh nothing in comparison.  You’ll be grateful for the extra space in your bag once you get it all filled up.  Worst comes to worst, ditch the thing all together and just build a torch to drive off the hyper-intelligent okapi/bear hybrids.

And there’s the start of your bag.  Keep an eye out for PART II of what I’m sure will be an award winning article for the paranoid and crazed.  Hey, it’s not a dig!  I’m just talking to my peers.  BUT before I go…

Darwin Law’s Preparation Tips:
It’s easy to scream “I KNOW…I’LL GET A GUN” but you best to slow yo roll there, Skippy.  Depending on what state you’re in, making a run for it, even in the middle of total social collapse, can have you running into authority figures.

In places like, let’s say, Texas there’s a good chance that if you get stopped by Johnny Law and you DON’T have a gun he’ll have some questions for you (that’s not even during the end of days…that’s just an average Tuesday) but in a good portion of the country carrying a concealed weapon is going to get you busted by the cops.

So let’s think this through.  You’re on the run as society starts to devour itself.  There’s chaos in the streets and THE BLACK SQUIRREL HAS BEEN SEEN AS FAR AFIELD AS OXFORDSHIRE!  You decide to bug out, grab your kit and make a run for it…right into the arms of the last law enforcement officer who has decided to stand his ground against the horde of shit barreling your way.

You end up in cuffs because Barney Fife has decided he’s going to stem the tide of chaos by stopping just you while society decides to butt fuck itself to death.  Now instead of bugging out you’re trapped in the back of a police car or in a jail cell.  Your bag has been confiscated and you’re going nowhere.  Where you goin’?  NOWHERE!  Know the laws for your state, kids, and ask yourself whether that gat was truly worth not being able to bug out properly.