Blitzholm Syndrome is defined as a sexual phenomenon in which Bella Blitz gets all tingly when villains are involved in Books, Comics, TV Shows and Movies. But not just any villain, she has standards – low as they may be.
I don’t care how gnarly a villain is, if they can make you laugh, they win. What do they win? Their face in your naughty bits while you laugh at their good humor and charm. Yeah. That just happened. There isn’t too much more attractive than someone (evil, or not) that can make you laugh until you piss yourself and then keep you coming back for more. If you say otherwise, you’re a fucking liar, and you should check out these funny, sexy, assholes to understand what I’m getting at:
Holy shit. His face. His knifey-fingers. That goddamned, fucking, stripy sweater. I love it. I can’t help it. Robert Englund’s eyes are so devious and his smile so maniacal that I just get swept away in his charisma. And camp. Oh, the camp. Sure, he’s terrifying as fuck, entering your dreams and killing you – dead – and laughing while he does it. What you don’t expect, while being chased in your dreams from a man wearing a tacky ass Christmas sweater, is to laugh WITH him while he’s killing you. You don’t expect to await your bedtime to see if you can outrun the crazy knifey-fingered burn victim just to enjoy a free comedy show in your underroos.
Maybe it’s Englund’s timing – or maybe it’s his infection voice, penetrating your tickle bone – but I can’t help but to wish he would do more to me with those knifey-fingers than murder when he spits out psycho-funny lines like, “Your eyes say ‘no, no.’ But my mouth says ‘yes, yes.’”
Yeah. Let’s get a little nerdier up in here for a moment and talk about Star Trek. More specifically that sexy beast known as Q. Q’s total time on screen for all of ST:TNG isn’t much in the grand scheme of the show. But, he steals my panties every time with his intelligent and bastardy ways. Not only was Q super smart and unconventionally handsome (John De Lancie isn’t your average looker), he was deviously humorous – putting the Enterprise and its crew in the most ridiculous and dangerous predicaments that left your sides in psychotic stitches.
What I find most scrumptious about this character is his complete disregard for anything outside of his own bubble. He humors himself by stirring up trouble for the beloved Picard and pushing his boundaries, never quite realizing how much like a puppy he is – blindly causing trouble, in need of a good spanking, and forced to sleep at the end of my bed. I’ve got the perfect use for his Q stick. What!
I have to be honest. I haven’t figured out just yet if it’s the idiot savant that I’m drawn to, or if it’s just that Sam Rockwell dances his way into my panties’ brain every time he’s on screen. I mean, seriously. Hammer manages to flub every single shot he has at being great, and yet, he laughs it off – psychotically, of course – and moves through to the next project. He’s so nonchalant about how terrible he is at his chosen career, that I feel like he’s laughing at himself along with us. Which makes him even more endearing to me. I like anyone, especially a bad guy, that can laugh at himself a little bit.
Poking fun at yourself and being sinister is a good thing in my book. And by my book, I mean pants. Hammer does both of these things well, and you almost feel sorry for him – willing to give him a job “hammering” away at your own technology. And by technology, I mean pants. And by hammering, I mean… oh, you get the point.
Oh, I covered Loki already? Fuck off. You can’t have an article about a villain with a Puck like sense of humor without the GOD OF FUCKING MISCHIEF! Whew. Don’t make me angry.
Yeah, yeah, I love me some Hiddleston – but I REALLY love me some Loki. Why? Because. That’s why.
No, really. Because behind the wounded puppy dog eyes and the self righteous smile, there is a deviously humorous awareness to his evil deeds that makes my knees go weak. He knows what he’s doing and he doesn’t really care if it works out or not, he’s doing it to entertain himself. And he is fucking entertained! This is a God we’re talking about here, so at the end of the day, he’s still going to persevere, and he knows it.
He, quite literally, gets the last laugh. Is this love? Fuck yes it is.
There are, of course, many other Puckish like villains, and I’m sure I could go on for days about the things I would do to them through my own laughter, but we’ll end this one here.
What Puck-like villains do it for you?