That’s right. My hate for Fifty Shades of Grey ALMOST knows no bounds. However, along with the berating that I usually want to give this horrible excuse for a book, I am going to provide you with the five things that I think Fifty Shades of Golly Gee did right! And no, not a damn one of them is BDSM or writing related, because that shit is laughable.
1. Marketing design.
Hello! There is no denying that from the book covers to the movie posters Fifty Shades of What’s A Safe Word is intriguing. The monochromatic design drips with masculinity and curiosity about what’s inside. I’m just grateful they kept Jamie Dornan’s back to us because I want to punch that douche face in his douchey face.
2. Soundtrack.
I haven’t seen the movie, and lets be honest, we all know I don’t plan to. Unless I’m tied to a chair and promised a right and proper flogging. What I have done is seen the trailer. And the spoof trailers. And the spoof of the spoof trailers. Let’s face it, Beyoncé’s “Crazy In Love” is fucking catchy as all hell. The soundtrack further promises the likes of Annie Lennox, Frank Sinatra, The Rolling Stones, and of course original scores from Danny Elfman. It’s not unimpressive.
(ed. note from Deep Fried Duck #1: The AWOLNation cover of Springsteen’s “I’m On Fire” is amazing.)
3. Casting Dakota Johnson.
From the trailer of Fifty Shades of Non-Consent alone I see that Johnson is bringing more meat and bones and spine and personality to the role of Ana than Ana ever brought to herself in the book. Thank the Gods for minor miracles, yes? Johnson can’t be bothered to hide the humor she finds in the terribly written source material and it shines through her, even in a brief trailer experience. Trust me. This interaction:
Grey: “I exercise control in all things…”
Ana: “It must be really boring.”
It MUST be, because look at her try and hide that smirk. She’s not supposed to be flirty or playful. But she can’t help it. And that’s fucking awesome.
4. Getting people to READ!
I’m reluctant to say it, but it’s true. Fifty Shades of Abuse got people reading. Sure we all want to believe it was just soccer moms reading something other than a harelquin romance novel, or their kids’ event calendar. They are no doubt a large portion of the readership, but it also reached other age groups and sexes. Readership for Fifty Shades of Oh Jeez spans from young girls of 14 to matured ladies of 60 (and most likely higher). AND 20-30% of it’s 4+ million sales is estimated to be men. I could go on about how horribly written it is and how the representation of BDSM is dangerously inaccurate, but that’s a whole other article.
5. Parodypalooza!
Sure, this is a byproduct of having an actual, excruciatingly terrible, world wide phenomenon. But it’s one of my favorite things that Fifty Shades of Twilight Fanfic has done. If you haven’t seen any, look them up. Fifty Shades of Grey – LEGO Trailer, Fifty Shades of Gay, and Fifty Shades of Grey Parody Trailer are two great places to start. But my all time favorite? Why, just play that video up there. Fifty Shades of Buscemi is the most amazing thing that ever amazed. And, if I’m being completely honest (and I always am), I would watch the SHIT out of that movie.
(ed. note #2: Search for Gilbert Gottfried’s book-on-tape reading. No, really.)
BONUS: Sex Toys
Let’s face it. The sex toy industry will never see a massive depression. Thank the Gods for that. And now with the brilliantly designed and marketed line of Fifty Shades of Gimme All The Sex Toys sex toys, they’ll be in the black grey for a VERY long time. I’m okay with that. I’m even more okay with the FOSG nipple clamps that are available to purchase. They’re so pretty. And pinchy. The only problem is that my desire to own a pair is shot down immediately by my desire to never give this franchise money. Ever. Damn. My poor, neglected nipples.
There ya have it. My list of the 5 things that Fifty Shades of Grey actually did right. It’s a thin list. Very thin. Almost transparent. But it’s here. Now, go wash your eye balls and watch or read something else. For the love all things kinky, WATCH. SOMETHING. ELSE.
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